I Will Carry You

Today I am linking up with Monica and Kelly’s blog. They are  hosting different links from moms who have lost babies. Check out their blogs if you’d like to connect with other moms who have lost a child.

While I am doubly blessed to have two sweet baby boys, Elias and Owen, I will never forget the joy my first baby brought me. I will never forget when I first saw two lines on a positive pregnancy test. My heart leapt within my chest as my eyes stared in disbelief. I was actually pregnant. Still in college and having only been married for 8 months, I was a little surprised to find out that I was expecting. But, boy howdy was I overjoyed! I practically had the baby’s name, college, and future spouse picked out before sunset. When I told Mark he was thrilled, and we both couldn’t wait to welcome our first baby into the world.

Sadly, on October 2, 2008 I lost my first little baby. I remember my cheeks were hot with tears as I felt the sting of sudden loss. As the mysterious world of pregnancy slipped from my grasp, I waded through various emotions. I was sad because I wouldn’t be afforded nine months to carry life. I was angry that wouldn’t be able to hold onto the delicate life that had been placed in my womb. Pinpricked by the reality of death, I faced tragedy.

What I didn’t know on October 2nd was that Jesus had a lot of things to teach me.

First, I learned that Jesus is good at turning tragedy into triumph. He was the one who could lift my head that was heavily tilted toward despair. He was the one who could take the sadness that clung to me like cobwebs and turn it into joy. He was the only one who could triumph in my situation.

Second, after losing my first baby, I learned that I had a choice to make. 1) Trust God or 2) Turn away from God. I had to choose to trust.

Third, I learned that I cannot surrender to my circumstances. And that I can’t let loss dictate truth to me, because hope does not depend on my circumstances. The truth is, “All things will work together for the good of those who love Him and who have been called according to His purpose” (Rom. 8:28).

Honestly, at times I looked at life situations and asked God, “How is any of this good?” It wasn’t until later that I realized that God’s definition of “good” was very different from mine. I defined “good” as 1. Nothing bad ever happening 2. Things always going well for me 3. Always getting what I want 4.Succeeding in everything that I do, etc…”

My Pastor Nathan Tarr said, “When we hope in a promise like Romans 8:28 that God will work all things in our lives together for good, but then import our own vision of what that good must be, we set ourselves up to be “ashamed” of God and “disillusioned” with God (cf. Phil. 1:20).”

I was disillusioned with God, and it wasn’t until I saw God’s definition of “good” that my perspective changed. Now I understand that God’s good means 1) my faith will progress and 2) Jesus’ Gospel will go forth. God will use my hard situations to refine me and progress my faith and my circumstances may be the very thing God uses to show people the Gospel. Hope is not founded in my circumstances; rather, it is founded in the word of God and in the person of Jesus.

Fourth, Jesus not only gave me hope in the midst of terrible loss, but He gave me a testimony. And what is amazing is that our testimony is our appointed place of ministry in the church and with unbelievers.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

I love this verse and cannot tell you how many women I have been able to pray with and speak to because the Lord allowed me to lose a child. God has not only given me eyes to see hurting people, but he has turned my testimony into my ministry.

I have learned so much through losing a child. My prayer is that as I remember this little one’s life, the testimony of Jesus will always be on my lips for He is the one who gives and takes away. I will bless the name of the Lord!

Here is a sweet song that is perfect for any mother that has lost a baby. I love the part that says “I will praise the one who’s chosen me to carry you.” Each baby is such a precious gift and I will praise the Lord for the time I had to carry my baby.

p.s. Here is a little story I wrote on grief, and here is the second part of it.


Taken Away

Just two years ago on October 2, I lost my first baby. I can finally write about it without tears stinging my eyes. Today I do not write with a heavy heart; I write with a healed heart.

Though the weeks and days that I was allowed to carry that baby were cut short; that little one served a purpose. That little life was not in vain. My baby taught me how the Lord works.

                                    He heals. He delivers. He comforts

I am so thankful the Lord did not leave my arms empty! I now enjoy holding my second sweet baby, Elias. Thank you Lord for the gift of life. My arms are no longer empty.

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21 ESV)